Blog-TOWER OF BABELI spoke with daniel a few days ago. I needed guidance on what to write about this time, It had been a while. I am going to write from the heart this time, not hiding anything.
Now, I worry a lot. I feel like I am being tested. I look for signs and clues everyday of where I am supposed to be. Flying helped me hide from my emotions, my shortcomings, my faults and my OCD. I loved hiding from all of this. It was like taking a pill for pain. I do not know what I can do anymore. I cannot keep calling dispatchers and poking around for flights.
Begging is what my father would have called it. I had a flight cancel the other day, and it took everything out of me to say, is there anything else?" IS there anything else? Is this it? Is this my week, looking at my call sheet of oliver twist like behavior? I am scared. Yes, Betsy Dwyer is really scared and so are my friends in the industry, in all industries. What am I most afraid of? I am afraid I will let Ben, my 14 year old down, that I will not be able to give him opportunities like other kids in school. College, braces, a car, insurance, meat and potato, a roof, joy and security. He is a smart empathic kid. He asked me if everything was ok and I just started to cry and I could not stop. I just said the world is so upside down, that I was sorry, I did not know the universe was going to turn into a crazy place with crimes I have never even heard of.
How do you explain pain to your kid? You don't have to. They can see it, I watch him sleep while I chew my nails and pace. Such a peaceful site, cheek on pillow, tousled hair, fingers moving, foot hanging off the end, covers up to chin, little snores, and big dreams. My bright spot in the fog of 5 am. He said, "mom, it is not your fault,I know the world is an absolute train wreck, but when I come home, it all goes away for me because of you" He had me at hello.
Comments
Post has no comments.