Blog-TOWER OF BABEL

I found some bold truth this morning at 719 am, Sept 1st, the year of our freshman year, lord help me with coping with Ben’s growth. I cannot handle that he is in high school. High school either makes one, or breaks one socially, emotionally, and academically.

I was an outcast in high school. If it were a rendition of the Breakfast Club, I would have been played by Ally Sheedy . No words would ever cover my thoughts, my poetry or my teenage pain. I felt like a poet laureate and that the rest of the world was stupid. I would picture myself living in a Parisian garret , living on leftovers from the class c restaurant below me on Rue des Terribles  , and having a French brooding boyfriend who shouted a lot and smashed the good paper plates. Ah, to be broke, talented, in Europe, jobless and in love. (sounds like a freelance flight attendant, doesn't it?)

Ben is playing high school differently. He still talks to his parents, not much, but does talk when needed. He is clean cut, hates drugs and alcohol, (whew), and wants everyone to act not in a rude way. I watched as his 73”, very thin frame loping into Branford high, he looked back( slo mo) and waved. I choked, gasped and cried. It is the beginning of the animal that will eventually, but hopefully not, eat him, and spit him into a man.

I felt as though I was witnessing the end of all things common between us. The word "mom" erased. What will he be, who will he marry, will he fall in love? How many times? Will he live his dream of being artistic? Or will it be wiped out by college? I said to Ben today "do not loose your dreams, be who you want to be.” Am I living thru him or warning him that he may have to sell out and become a carpet salesman in Paramus, NJ?

Think about it. What were your dreams in high school. Mine were to travel, fall in love with a few tormented (check), marry a foreigner (check) join the peace crop ( no check), write my memoirs (I am working on it ok,!!!!! I am waiting for the publishing company to call, it is a 212 area code! do not ask me again). Have a cool child with a heart with not much chance of becoming an asshole (double check), get closer with my family (check), forgive my mother (no check, check in mail), and have a lot of diverse friends, check check check) and if in USA, live by the sea, near a cafe, library and art gallery.

So my question deigns truth, did you become who you dreamt?

I have not had much to write about lately. I accept a trip, it cancels. I get another one, i cannot take it because it overlaps on the one I have, then that cancels. I am holding a bad hand. I better keep my sunglasses on, someone may see my bluff. 

I am on a what was to be a 24 day trip. We were to go to london, which we did for 8 days, turned into 11, then on to nice, was to be 14, it is now 6, back home on the 6th of july. total days "laying about" a lot. We may leave for New York on the 6th or go back to London. 

It is Africa hot here in Nice. Waiting till the sun loses some strength to go for a shop and drop. The children in France are so breathtakingly beautiful, they look like ads for A and F or the gap. Their hair styles and clothing choices must start at birth. Their eyelashes are an inch long and they love their moms and dads. They hang on their every word. It is like parents KNOW STUFF, secret clues about the world, the planet, music, art and food. I like kids because they are innocent, real and not all up in their own villa about money, status, gossip and all the crap that floats thru an adult mind 24/7.

I want to go back to age 9. No puberty for me. Give me 9. The children in London are not bad either. I look at kids when I am away from ben. The kids in London, are fair skinned, and they have the coolest school uniforms. They are proper, plaid skirt or shorts, starched white shirt and a beanie. I am sure they are mortified, but it pleases me to know there is order in the world. I had to wear the same as a child. 

I think I have become jaded working on private jets. It is like i lost my soul, my childhood gone and I am really at the beck and call of the rich. I am always reminded of the Areosmith song. "eat the rich". Well, lets not let the rich eat us! Another day another 450.00, really? What is this going to bring me spiritually? Hello?

I feel like I am in a play or a TV series. Being freelance, I am the understudy, the fill in person, if someone gets sick, or wants time off or surgery. If my son asks me why I am not working, i sometimes say, " no medical problems this week. CHARACTER playing flight attendant sarah willis- fill in- played by Betsy Dwyer- a nobody from the wrong side of the tracks. 

 I am going to take August off. It is summer, I deserve summer too right? I need a vaca as well. I will be played by myself and there will be no fill ins or understudies on that.