Blog-TOWER OF BABEL

I have become quite sentimental over the last few months. I have pondered the last twenty years of corporate work. When you showed up for on interview, people told you that they were thankful that you could make it. They laughed and joked, told old stories of bizarre flights and they hired you right away. They gave you a uniform that you were not ashamed to wear, like Brooks Brothers, or Ann or Calvin Klein, you were given an expense account (not that of a supermodel) where you could actually eat and maybe wash the great food down with a few glasses of vintage red.

Crews had your best interest at heart. You got two weeks off if you got married and as long as you needed to have a baby. The carpets and interiors of the jets were new and the wood sparkled. The supplies to perform you job were unlimited, and if you got sick, they filed nothing and you still got paid. Catering was whatever the passengers and crew wanted. The crew ate what the pax ate. There was never a compartmentalized box lunch with mystery meat and polyester bread, with token shrunk plum and saran wrapped brownie from 2009. The hotels smelled good, the lobby with marble flooring and a great staff. They remembered you and what you drank, and your room number without reminding them, people acted looked better and stood taller back then. Room service was an event to witness and you could leave your shoes outside your room to be shined. The bathroom was larger than my present hotel room. There were sometime heated towel racks and hot pipes to warm up the bathroom floor. All these things required thoughts of the guest.

Now, it is suggested we live on 25-50 dollars a day. whether in Chicago or London, no dry cleaning, no movie, no snack and no love. If catering is over 50.00 per person, they do not want to pay for it. No magazines, no cell phone, not internet,  imported chocolates or bathroom amenities, no floral, no eyeshades, no linen, no fine china, no mileage, no tolls, no no no no.

Are we headed to a socialist flying position? Am I supposed to fill up on the vending machine honey bun or Oreos packet? The FBO provides popcorn, apples, cookies, creamers, coffee, tea bas. pens, and mints. If I fill up on these comp items, will I be dead by next year? Or will I live long enough to be told I do not get any Medicare or Social Security, because the government ran out of money? What a choice.

When you see that 25 year old flight attendant in the FBO, you can smile at them and know that they will never know what we had. It is sad in a way. Her life will be filled with only cut rate hotels with see thru towels with no fabric softener,  Applebee's, Ponderosa, a dirty uniform from Cintas catalog, a cell phone bill, no movie, no pillow chocolate, 40 watt bulbs, a banner across the toilet saying it has been sanitized, a broken alarm clock  and a broken attitude.

We knew what the days of Camelot were, and the memory is forever mine. I have lived at the Peninsula, The Mandarin. the Ritz, the Greenbrier Resort,The Park Lane London, The Hotel Gansevoort, they were all the bomb. I can see for miles in my memories.
 

NBAA Scholarship helps and now you can get yours.  

I was absolutely delighted that I received my first pick of a scholarship, FACTS training a couple of years ago! If there was no hope of a scholarship, I do not think I would have gone at all. Money is too tight right now. There are companies out there that only require this training every two years, but it would have lessened my chance to fly. I would have decreased my income by 50 percent. 

Each year, when you think you cannot learn anything new, some new knowledge presents itself. Training rekindles my confidence, self esteem,and willingness to excel.

So go to www.NBAA.org and look for the Flight Attendant/Flight Technician Scholarship you could be one of the few to receive one just like I was.

I have been on 6 trips in 5 days. How? you ask. 

5 day Tortola, 4 days Jamaica, 4 days super bowl, 4 days Vancouver. 

all cancelled. I am using my passport as a coaster. I feel like I am suck in a permanent dress rehearsal. 

My warm weather and cold weather suitcase lay confused in my car. magazines , lemons, lime and milk bought but not consumed. You are on, you are  off, you are on standby, you are going, you are not going. Owner wants the a/c, no flight attendant, you are not on the overflight, they want a male, they want a yoga instructor, do you know magic tricks, they want mandarin speakers, they want vegan chef, they do not want me.

I am up, I am down, I am still on the ground. I just need a takeoff and a landing, with whatever in between. I will speak in devils tongue, just get me GOING. My son keeps finding me at home, looking a bit scruffy, bewildered and lack luster. He will eat those lemons for dinner. I will throw the milk at that wall i have been staring at for 1 month. I do not even know how to pack anymore. 

I forgot shoes, the most important part of a together outfit. I did reap 2 cancellation fees for my efforts, I will go buy  25 cupcakes with the money and eat them all while I again, watch OPRAH and DR PHIL. I am going to burn my blue and white cloud bathrobe that my mom gave me 8 years ago. It could stand up in the corner by itself by now. 

My unemployed look is.. blue cloud bathrobe, white socks, hair akimbo, raccoon eyes, rainforest expresso coffee with vanilla creamer, pen over my ear, trips sheets all over the desk, glasses, phone in said robes pocket, and maybe a hammer (you never know when you will need one). The dog looks at me in hope of WALK? 

I look at my dog and say FLY? My cat, who is alway on my bed (get a job, cat), looks at me, and thinks "what a loser, come on, take a nap with me." I will never complain again about having a full-time job. I looked in the New Haven newspaper, in the want ads, and where there was 4 pages of ads, now, there is one column. HVAC technician? Surgical nurse? Hospice care? Let Yale University experiment on you? possibly. Spinal Tap test 400.00,????? yeah . Buddy Acne patient. paid study? 

All I say is next week will be better. It better be. 

I have spent the last two weeks in flight attendant open calls. People will do virtually anything for a flight. I heard one girl offer to wash and wax some ones car every week. Two people sleep with schedulers, whether the schedulers are male  or female iI do not know. One girl sleeps with the married pilot, One person sends bottles of wine to the lead flight attendant.

When I was in charge, I got NO alcohol, my car was parked dirty with "wash me" on the side, and I was too tired to sleep with crew or dispatch. Where are MY perks? Wrong decade, wrong economy girlfriend.
 
The art of sucking up is now a career choice. I cannot do it. My pride, once compromised, will never come back. Can we sell off pieces of ourselves, for a possible trip? One FA came to me and said "I will do ANYTHING", I said, please, do not say this statement to anyone!!!!!!!!!!!! I makes you look cheap and desperate, and someone will take you up on it.

I should have pointed her to my 1999 chevy lumina with some wax. There is a company that now wants to pay 1990s day rate, 350.00, and the company is a total nightmare to work for.  The take it or leave it attitude is back, like a bad marriage. One FA said she would work for 200.00 per day, after taxes that would be 140.00, I hope she gets a happy meal and mileage with that.!!!!!
 
Where are we gonna go with all this static? Are we being marked down like Filene's Basement? Do I have to go on sale?

There is no real evidence in my mind that flu shots work. Actually, I think they are counterproductive. I had to get them in the USAF. Three days later, I looked and felt like lunch meat. The pilots get them every year and they are sick, they fly sick , then I get it from them. Apples and oranges, 6 of 1, 1/2 dz of the other, devil may care. BUT, I do not voluntarily go get the flu and or the flu shot. You must also yourself, do I need more chemicals in my body? Will this deter the crud? Is this making someone else money? Do I have 2 weeks to be sick? I think it is a roll of the dice.

How many have you missed due to the aviation animal? I have too many to count. But I tried to make up for it by planning another day that I absolutely had off. The 4th of July is a date that I, for some unknown reason would never fly on. So I would plan something especially for my mom and myself. I would show up early and do the breakfast in bed thing, with fresh flowers and do her nails and makeup.

 

But the mom’s days that I missed, I would send a singing telegram (my mother loves show tunes), one year it was a Scotland terrier puppy, one year it was Crème brûlée, (her favorite – for 1 month). One year, I sent her an Air Force video for the crew of a C-9, all saying Happy Mother’s Day, Mrs. Dwyer. Of all the days not to forget, do not leave this day as a normal day. You may be banished to some remote place, cut out of the will or even worse, never get that homemade apple pie ever again. 

So Mom, Happy Mothers' Day to you!

Today I attended a catering class with “Executive Catering On Elm”. This catering company is owned by Molly Sprong, an all too talented ex-corporate flight attendant. Their phone number is 860-350-4884 fax is 860-354-0106, and website: www.executivecuisinect.com.

 

They were featuring new and exciting food selection to order for spring and summer. I think I died and went to flight attendant food heaven. We were fed and waited on for 4 full hours; the only aspect that was amiss was the absence of a chardonnay (too early in the day). The class was 10-2, and was a mere $100.00. The teaching and the cuisine was well worth 5 times that!

 

My personal favorites were truffle risotto in philo, spring vegetable soup, mango and radicchio Caprese salad, fig glazed beef kabobs, spiced salmon with glazed fennel, halibut with roasted beet greens and for dessert, I was torn between the sweet watermelon salsa served with sugar spice tortilla chips or the delirious coconut cream with fresh berries and chocolate. The class was taught by Phil and sandy, 2 very innovative chefs who truly love food and have infuse their own unique style from apps to entrees. I have used Executive Catering on Elm religiously fro the last 4 years, and I always get compliments, empty plates, second helping are always common on my jet. This was surely a day well spent.

I was in a restaurant in Midtown Manhattan last week. I could not tell the wait staff from the patrons. Their uniform was a black fitted Donna Karan tee and black tailored Calvin Klein pants. Half of New York wears this outfit, hairdressers, designers, gallery owners and all the rest of us who do not have time to color coordinate.

 

I was in the FBO in Teterboro, NJ, the week prior. I was in a basic black Ann Taylor suit, no wings, no name tag. I was mistaken for one of the customer service reps. I did not mind that. I just could not really be identified as aircrew.

 

I think it should be known what we do, even if it is a simple set of wings. I am not big on the sameness of scarf or necktie. I did attempt to wear the company scarf the other night, and after doing the bags, I had a big battle with a piece of hot silk around my neck. It was removed quickly.

 

I do not want to get political with this, 9/11 and going overseas. That would be another 2 pages. Between Catholic school, the military, and flying corporate, I have been wearing one for 30 years. I would not want a doctor walking out of surgery, wearing all black. If you are aircrew, you should dress the part.

So, I recently flew on a Challenger 604 out of Bedford MA. This aircraft flies 450 hours of charter and 150 hour part 91. This aircraft flies without a flight attendant for 91 trips so I showed up 2 hours prior to clear the aircraft of debris for an 8 passenger trip to Malaga, Spain.

I removed 23 baskets of various sizes, 15 silver trays, 43 small ramekins’, 40 plastic ware rollups from caterers, 30 sugar packets, 24 bottles of diet raspberry Snapple, 10 small cans of Clamato-juice (do they still sell that? and if so, where?), 13 bottles of Red Stripe Beer for Jamaica, 4 large bags of Beef Jerky (BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU WILL NEED THAT MUCH SALT), 12 cans of Mountain Dew, 10 waters with Arabic writing, 25 little jams, 17 extra mayonnaise. You get the drift.

Unless my passengers are going to eat some really weird condiments, there is no need for all of this. It becomes a hindrance, and sometimes a safety hazard. Much of what I mentioned was near safety equipment. It is not the pilots fault; it is just a general "gunk of stock" from many cabin crews, getting on and off. If the 91 owner does not use this stuff, it would be best to take it off and put it in the hangar. Trying to work around all this excess can only slow down a meal service and hinder your sanity and need for order.

This is something that I do not understand about myself as a corporate flight attendant, that I do over and over again. Sometimes, not very often, I get catering that totally (excuse my American) plain downright sucks. I fax, I call, and I discuss, I describe, sometimes plead and beg (especially if it is short notice).....To no avail, no apparent reason, they failed me BAD and BIGTIME.

I ordered Cole slaw, the American side and solution to a sandwich, I got cut cabbage. I ordered beef filets, it was pot roast (you know, that stuff your parents would give you on wed, because the money ran out). I needed jell-o, I got boxes of jell-o, (do I have 8 hours to make this red stuff and place it in my refrigerator)? I ordered dinner rolls and got hard rolls, I ordered roast beef on wheat, no condiments, and I got luncheon loaf on WONDER BREAD (ALABAMA). I ordered fresh cold seafood platter and got canned baby shrimp and canned salmon. Am I talking to the frigging walls here? Radio now here?

But what I do is get mad and disappointed, and I get so speechless, I cannot even call them back because I think they are just so clueless, I cannot teach the blind men to see. So I take them off my list, and move on.

I never say a word I think, because in the beginning of corporate flying 15 years ago (I would call, and get excuses or a big DUH). So I “86” them from my roster. I guess I do not like to discuss a huge mistake over the phone. I like the face to face. Do not get me wrong, the corporate catering I see out there now is brilliant, especially in the New York area, competition to outdo one another works in our favor. But, the smaller towns like Addison TX, Montgomery AL, Pahokee FL, so buyer beware!