Blog-TOWER OF BABELI found some bold truth this morning at 719 am, Sept 1st, the year of our freshman year, lord help me with coping with Ben’s growth. I cannot handle that he is in high school. High school either makes one, or breaks one socially, emotionally, and academically.
I was an outcast in high school. If it were a rendition of the Breakfast Club, I would have been played by Ally Sheedy . No words would ever cover my thoughts, my poetry or my teenage pain. I felt like a poet laureate and that the rest of the world was stupid. I would picture myself living in a Parisian garret , living on leftovers from the class c restaurant below me on Rue des Terribles , and having a French brooding boyfriend who shouted a lot and smashed the good paper plates. Ah, to be broke, talented, in Europe, jobless and in love. (sounds like a freelance flight attendant, doesn't it?)
Ben is playing high school differently. He still talks to his parents, not much, but does talk when needed. He is clean cut, hates drugs and alcohol, (whew), and wants everyone to act not in a rude way. I watched as his 73”, very thin frame loping into Branford high, he looked back( slo mo) and waved. I choked, gasped and cried. It is the beginning of the animal that will eventually, but hopefully not, eat him, and spit him into a man.
I felt as though I was witnessing the end of all things common between us. The word "mom" erased. What will he be, who will he marry, will he fall in love? How many times? Will he live his dream of being artistic? Or will it be wiped out by college? I said to Ben today "do not loose your dreams, be who you want to be.” Am I living thru him or warning him that he may have to sell out and become a carpet salesman in Paramus, NJ?
Think about it. What were your dreams in high school. Mine were to travel, fall in love with a few tormented (check), marry a foreigner (check) join the peace crop ( no check), write my memoirs (I am working on it ok,!!!!! I am waiting for the publishing company to call, it is a 212 area code! do not ask me again). Have a cool child with a heart with not much chance of becoming an asshole (double check), get closer with my family (check), forgive my mother (no check, check in mail), and have a lot of diverse friends, check check check) and if in USA, live by the sea, near a cafe, library and art gallery.
So my question deigns truth, did you become who you dreamt?