Blog-TOWER OF BABEL

I have been on 6 trips in 5 days. How? you ask. 

5 day Tortola, 4 days Jamaica, 4 days super bowl, 4 days Vancouver. 

all cancelled. I am using my passport as a coaster. I feel like I am suck in a permanent dress rehearsal. 

My warm weather and cold weather suitcase lay confused in my car. magazines , lemons, lime and milk bought but not consumed. You are on, you are  off, you are on standby, you are going, you are not going. Owner wants the a/c, no flight attendant, you are not on the overflight, they want a male, they want a yoga instructor, do you know magic tricks, they want mandarin speakers, they want vegan chef, they do not want me.

I am up, I am down, I am still on the ground. I just need a takeoff and a landing, with whatever in between. I will speak in devils tongue, just get me GOING. My son keeps finding me at home, looking a bit scruffy, bewildered and lack luster. He will eat those lemons for dinner. I will throw the milk at that wall i have been staring at for 1 month. I do not even know how to pack anymore. 

I forgot shoes, the most important part of a together outfit. I did reap 2 cancellation fees for my efforts, I will go buy  25 cupcakes with the money and eat them all while I again, watch OPRAH and DR PHIL. I am going to burn my blue and white cloud bathrobe that my mom gave me 8 years ago. It could stand up in the corner by itself by now. 

My unemployed look is.. blue cloud bathrobe, white socks, hair akimbo, raccoon eyes, rainforest expresso coffee with vanilla creamer, pen over my ear, trips sheets all over the desk, glasses, phone in said robes pocket, and maybe a hammer (you never know when you will need one). The dog looks at me in hope of WALK? 

I look at my dog and say FLY? My cat, who is alway on my bed (get a job, cat), looks at me, and thinks "what a loser, come on, take a nap with me." I will never complain again about having a full-time job. I looked in the New Haven newspaper, in the want ads, and where there was 4 pages of ads, now, there is one column. HVAC technician? Surgical nurse? Hospice care? Let Yale University experiment on you? possibly. Spinal Tap test 400.00,????? yeah . Buddy Acne patient. paid study? 

All I say is next week will be better. It better be. 

I was thinking the other day, sometimes there is a lot of freakish behavior on corporate jets.

Things i have seen and was asked to do.................

Clip toenails

Zip pants

Unzip pants

Asked to bottle fed a pot bellied pig (( the pig flew under a insurance waiver of 5000.00) they like to eat carpet)) hard to make the pig stand still.) i tried

.

Put whiskey in a baby bottle (i did, please do not) for a 6 month old

Lick a stamp

Pull a dislocated shoulder (nope)

Walk on someone’s back (nope)

Cut 2 holes in a paper bag for a celebrity

Change a diaper

Ask to not go in the back due to sexual encounters, will knock when done. PS.. Was given a baby, told to take care of it, till said sexual encounter with not the woman’s husband was done.

Asked for water menu (california does this)

Shave the back of someone’s legs (nope)

Reapply makeup to a drunk person

Sit with a passenger who was going thru a bad divorce for 8 hours, no food service, only vodka

Asked to not look at the passenger on a 12 hours flight. had to put sunglasses on

Wake up a passenger when they had violent nightmares, 7 times in 8 hours - had to land in kansas for more vodka, went thru 3 bottles of grey goose.

Asked to go shoeless in cabin

While flying film maker with 8 dogs, asked if dogs could come out of their cages and roam the cabin

Asked to make a bed in the aisle, so passenger could sleep naked on floor with an apple.

Why do we do this job? Because everyday is different!