Blog-TOWER OF BABEL

I was thinking the other day, sometimes there is a lot of freakish behavior on corporate jets.

Things i have seen and was asked to do.................

Clip toenails

 

Zip pants

 

Unzip pants

 

Asked to bottle fed a pot bellied pig (( the pig flew under a insurance waiver of 5000.00) they like to eat carpet)) hard to make the pig stand still.) i tried

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Put whiskey in a baby bottle (i did, please do not) for a 6 month old

 

Lick a stamp

 

Pull a dislocated shoulder (nope)

 

Walk on someone’s back (nope)

 

Cut 2 holes in a paper bag for a celebrity

 

Change a diaper

 

Ask to not go in the back due to sexual encounters, will knock when done. PS.. Was given a baby, told to take care of it, till said sexual encounter with not the woman’s husband was done.

 

Asked for water menu (california does this)

 

Shave the back of someone’s legs (nope)

 

Reapply makeup to a drunk person

 

Sit with a passenger who was going thru a bad divorce for 8 hours, no food service, only vodka

 

Asked to not look at the passenger on a 12 hours flight. had to put sunglasses on

 

Wake up a passenger when they had violent nightmares, 7 times in 8 hours - had to land in kansas for more vodka, went thru 3 bottles of grey goose.

 

Asked to go shoeless in cabin

 

While flying film maker with 8 dogs, asked if dogs could come out of their cages and roam the cabin

 

Asked to make a bed in the aisle, so passenger could sleep naked on floor with an apple.

 

Why do we do this job? Because everyday is different!

So I keep getting theses yellow envelopes for peoples bank,multiple bile colored envelopes , total bounced check and returned check fees totaling 250.00. I asked the bank manager if I was going to be taken off to jail They do have lot of jails in ct. The women's jail is far worse than the mens. more bickering. probably no hormone  replacement, Xanax or tequila  there.

Being broke is sort of like a prison sentence. No freedom, no joy ,no national enquirer bought in the check out line. Now I read it and put it back. The cashier leers and says to herself, she must work for an aviation company. I used to love this aviation company, It was pristine, lovely and I was proud to be a part of its mechanisms. It will be great again too, but I cannot go back there. Too much history, like an old boyfriend, once hurt, I lie in wait for more disappointment.   It is never the same, i lay an broken woman. 

So back to talking about prison, if I did have to go. Would I have a roommate that I called Bitch? Would they pair me up with another flight attendant who wrote bad checks, or would I get a bank robber or a mass murderer? I would like the bank robber because, in this economy, i am going to need a new trade. Murder was thought of this week, but it is a messy occupation. Do they have a resume center there? Can I collect unemployment whilst living with my bitch? Can I get on Ameritrade? Do they have vegetarian fare? Church? Pilates? Coke machine? Quarters? Meditation classes? Only one phone call a day? Any thoughts?

Well, my last blog got some attention, right? Still waiting on the paycheck. It is overnighted. I hope it is not rubber. Had to cash in a Roth IRA, but through all of this..........I still can hug my son and smell his boy hair, and I know everything is and always will be okay.

Was this greed, mismanagement, economy, FAA, government? We will never know. I was taught, "whatever you do, do not hurt anyone" lessons. People have lost their credit rating, their home, their head up at the bank. It all sucks. I am not the same person now. My glory and hope sits on a lower rung now, and I wake up thinking that more bad news is coming my way - no way to live. I hope the check does not bounce this time, but I can guarantee you, it will be my last check earned from company XYZ.

The junk I eat on corporate jets is amazing! I am on the crushing verge of vegetarianism after watching Super Size Me, a documentary film by Morgan Spurlock. It is a film about fast food and McDonald’s, and the ravaging health trouble it causes. I do well nutritionally when I am home. But a few takeoffs and landing later..............hmmmm. 

I am a pig at 41,000 ft. Rudy's whipped cream, tablespoons of it, chocolate chip cookies, 3 of them, chocolate mousse, 1 serving, I pick off all the mango off the fruit tray(saving grace), Chocolate covered strawberries, peach pie, 1 sliver, birthday cake for the icing, sugar babies, lays potato chips, chicken fingers, deep fried, with bbq sauce and a coke. I eat out of boredom. I am 6 ft tall and weight 140. Not bad, but my insides sometimes are coated in sugar. And forget about the mood that come after. 

When I open up the catering boxes, it is like Christmas morning. I do not keep tempting food in my house. So please, spare your crew and passengers from the cash axe, eat wisely. Do not try this on the a/c.

Today's aviation is not easy. It was a lot easier 15 years ago when I started. Aviation companies are busy trying to keep their companies open, fuel prices are off the charts, people are cutting the budget, downsizing to the bare bone. I do not mean to sound like that gruff old guy Andy Rooney on 20/20, but people were a lot nicer then. The people in charge called you back, were cordial and tried to help you. You knew their kids names and they knew yours. If you really broke, they got you on a flight to pay your car insurance.

 

 Is this or is it not the HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY, are we in customer service or customer stuckupness. Why do we now feel that when we call the head flight attendant, or director of cabin service, its like they just woke up in a bad mood and make you feel like you are a total bother, thorn in the side, fly in the ointment and just should just go throw your unimportant self off a cliff? WHO DO THEY WORK FOR?

Please go away and never call me again. I called someone in charge in February and I am still waiting. I have a flare gun, should I head it towards Teterboro?

I did not attend the 2008 flight attendant convention this year for personal reasons. I did feel a sense of loss, being left behind in an empty room, listless yet restless and my stomach started growling at 10 pm EST, when you all were surrounding the shrimp table and ogling the Cannoli and the latest ice sculpture.

 

Let's talk about networking. Do you know that networking is sort of a short stab at a mini job interview? Yup, it is. So, while at the flight attendant convention, when you want to scope in on a certain person, do not have your mouth full of bagels, do not be drunk or appear to be drunk, and  please , do not tap them on the shoulder -- LIKE THEY ARE THE TIN MAN.

 

I have seen people network with deal breakers. Deal breakers are red flags: that the person is networking you is needing some help. Here some tips: Do not talk over them, leave the palazzo pants at home, no sneakers or flip flops, digging thru your handbag, leisure suits, tight clothes, ripped stockings, shoes so high -- you cannot walk in them, use words like HUH. AWESOME, WHATEVER, SOMTHIN SOMETHIN, FOGETT ABOUT IT. Do not scratch or twirl your hair.  But instead: Be polite, direct, and not overbearing.

 

Do not treat the other person like they are god, have some self esteem. AND PLEASE, do not say you are the best. There is always a faster rat out there, you just have not met them yet.

I was wondering why I was weighing 20 lbs more than usual. I mean luggage and purse wise. I fly only international. I would be in shock if I flew less than 10 hours per flight. Anyway, I digress. My bags were getting heavier and heavier.

I finally went through everything on a rainy day in London. I had 35 Euro coins from Greece, 78 business cards from FBOs, from faceless crewmembers met in the concierge lounge or on check in, 2 bottles of olive oil left in the false bottom of my suitcase, 2 jars Greek honey, 6 hair conditioners from the maids cart in Milan, 12 Starbucks Coffee receipts for Quattro espressos, 3 retainer cases,(I only have 1 set of teeth), 4 phone chargers for the same phone, 2 -220 converters, 2 Greek adapters,  1 empty sleeve of 5 gum, 3 books that I have read already, 1 self help CD (that did not work), 2 lighters, 3 ChapStick®, 2 empty jars of La Mer, 1 key chain that spells out Santorini in little shells, 1 small flashlight with NO battery, 12 loose spearmint lifesavers with stuff suck to them and an empty bottle of Listerine.

What was I doing while packing? I was on the phone to caterers, universal, hotels, limo drivers, and my son. I need to downsize or join a pack rat version of AA. I think I need everything. What if the converter breaks? Or the charger? What is my excuse for errant lifesavers? How did I forget the olive oil and honey? I have actually packed for a 21 day trip, but packed NO SHOES. A flight attendant with no shoes? Yes, I am that girl. I had to borrow the pilot’s loafers, and yes, they were a bit small. I wear a TEN.

We have no concentration for ourselves before a trip. Our brains are frenetically overloaded with TRIP TRIVIA. I am getting an intervention for this soon.

What do you do if your catering companies are not true? What do you do if they go to the wrong airport? Deliver to the wrong plane?

 

Have you ever flown down to the Masters Golf tournament? Done trips to super bowl? Go somewhere where you know it will be so busy that maybe you should get your catering from a local deli or restaurant?

 

When you land and see over 50 corporate jets, do not think that the catering will make it, that is will be correct or that line service will get you the right box, or do you find another venue to avoid mistakes?

 

I had a caterer deliver to TEB instead of HPN. I always order my food 3 hours prior, (I ALWAYS TAKEOFF EARLY), I bring my own lemons, limes and milk. With the TEB incident, I canceled and did not pay for the order and I used Skytop restraint and paid ASAP fee of 25.00. The passengers never knew.

 

If a caterer makes a mistake, shame on them, if they make a mistake a second time, shame on me. We pay a lot of money to them for the right order. Fax, call, go over, and recall the day of the flight 6 hours prior.

If you are freelance and you are trying to get a trio out of companies A, B, and C, this is what you do not do:

1.     (I was a scheduler for 6 months), do not call at the crack of business dawn on Monday morning. Dispatchers and schedulers are groggy from only having 2 days to do everything in their personal and private lives. Monday is not a great day to call. Tuesday, after lunch around 2 pm would be great.

2.     Do not demand a trip! Do not tell them you are overextended on your American Express bill or that you cannot afford teeth. It is off putting. Being broke is a private matter between you and the repo man. If you do not own the plane, we all know, yes.... you are broke most likely.

3.     Thursday is a great day to call, to put a bug in their ear as this will give them your availability for the weekend. Lots of charter gets closed and signed by 230 pm on Friday.

4.     Keep your cell on and try not to go scuba diving, floatation tanks are out, taking that long drive down a country road with no cell tower, horseback riding, being at happy hour with free tequila shots with your cell in a bowl of nachos, or not picking up the call because you are on the other line to the psychic network. Believe me, I have done all these.

5.     Having your own website with flashing neon, and fly songs, with a photo in some bridesmaid dress is a bit over the top. It is all a matter of taste or lack thereof.

6.     Try to maintain a relationship with these people; they answer the phone all day long. Remembering what college their kids go to may help. Talking gossip, divorce, pestilence and who is in and who is out is no good.

 

That is all I have today.

The economy is on a scale from 1-10, a mere 3. I was thinking of the companies that own private jets and their success would be based on what they are selling. Banking in down, drug companies are down, insurance down. Real estate development in down, and IPOs well, that is few and far between. The price of jet fuel is $6 to $10 a gallon. This has not affected me yet, I work for a great family who in shipping of oil, dry goods, grain, etc. But my heart really goes out to the freelancers, things have dried up. You may think "oh, these people own a corporate jet they are rich enough to always fly at the drop of a hat". Not true. Many of these companies using smaller jets like Bombardier Learjet, Hawker and Beechcraft airplanes, or they are sending them out on commercial airlines. So what are you going to do to put bread on the table, get a second job? Do catering, bartend, substitute teaches if you have a degree? In this business, you have to be resourceful, especially if you are freelance. I really feel for you all.