Blog-TOWER OF BABEL

I was busier than a one armed paper hangar for Jan - Jun, averaging 16 days per month (do not ask me where that money went). Now, there is only sagebrush in my bank account, fumes and dust from days gone by. I cannot even get arrested and if I did, I would have scrappy nails and roots, due to the choice of grocery over beauty and its monthly price. I now call people I have never met in flight departments and tell them my days free. I throw a few days in for myself so they do not think that I am a total loser. It does not help that Obama, who I VOTED FOR, rambles on and on about corporate jet tax. I can see corporate jets lining up in a sidewalk sale, a 2 for 1, hanging upside down on a metal rack, because they simply..... went out of season.

Where are we going to end up? A temp job assignment and maybe the a/c is going to sold, already is for sale, there is a lien on it, or the company has not paid its bills, or the pilots are controlling maniacs, or the last flight attendant went insane. I cannot blame him or her in this arena. Flying used to be so NORMAL, no backstabbing tolerated, if so, you were fired. Now, they get promoted for the stabbing. How do you know where a job called HOME could be? I thought flying would always be there for me, now I do not know if I can be there for it. Can I ever understand how this muck and mire happened?

How did it get to this final dead end? Has our integrity gone missing?Can I find mine on a milk carton? Half these flight departments, have someone missing the sensitivity chip, the one who was cagey enough to survive all the layoffs. You, have to kiss their -----, but at what price can you stand yourself?
 

I found some bold truth this morning at 719 am, Sept 1st, the year of our freshman year, lord help me with coping with Ben’s growth. I cannot handle that he is in high school. High school either makes one, or breaks one socially, emotionally, and academically.

I was an outcast in high school. If it were a rendition of the Breakfast Club, I would have been played by Ally Sheedy . No words would ever cover my thoughts, my poetry or my teenage pain. I felt like a poet laureate and that the rest of the world was stupid. I would picture myself living in a Parisian garret , living on leftovers from the class c restaurant below me on Rue des Terribles  , and having a French brooding boyfriend who shouted a lot and smashed the good paper plates. Ah, to be broke, talented, in Europe, jobless and in love. (sounds like a freelance flight attendant, doesn't it?)

Ben is playing high school differently. He still talks to his parents, not much, but does talk when needed. He is clean cut, hates drugs and alcohol, (whew), and wants everyone to act not in a rude way. I watched as his 73”, very thin frame loping into Branford high, he looked back( slo mo) and waved. I choked, gasped and cried. It is the beginning of the animal that will eventually, but hopefully not, eat him, and spit him into a man.

I felt as though I was witnessing the end of all things common between us. The word "mom" erased. What will he be, who will he marry, will he fall in love? How many times? Will he live his dream of being artistic? Or will it be wiped out by college? I said to Ben today "do not loose your dreams, be who you want to be.” Am I living thru him or warning him that he may have to sell out and become a carpet salesman in Paramus, NJ?

Think about it. What were your dreams in high school. Mine were to travel, fall in love with a few tormented (check), marry a foreigner (check) join the peace crop ( no check), write my memoirs (I am working on it ok,!!!!! I am waiting for the publishing company to call, it is a 212 area code! do not ask me again). Have a cool child with a heart with not much chance of becoming an asshole (double check), get closer with my family (check), forgive my mother (no check, check in mail), and have a lot of diverse friends, check check check) and if in USA, live by the sea, near a cafe, library and art gallery.

So my question deigns truth, did you become who you dreamt?

 

Now I know why I do not want to ever leave the house. I will turn into one of those people that used to be in my hometown neighborhood when i was a kid. They were "shut-ins" as my parents would say. They had lots of cats(they did not venture either), wore worn out green sweaters with moth holes, smelled of old oatmeal, Liniment, and cough drops, with a vacant untrusting stare. I know because me and maryanne, my 9 year buddy, would ring the doorbell, and look for 1 minute at the human form at the door, and run off.

On Monday, I leave the house to go to Teterburo NJ, I get cut off 3 times. I am stopped at a light, no turn on red. The jerk behind me, is beeping his horn. I get out of my car (not advised), and ask why are you honking your horn? He say in his Jersey accent, "you can go, DERS  no cops". ugh.

No peace.

On Tuesday, I leave the house there is an elderly woman in the break down lane. No one stops except me. Where are we going? Are we in such a rush, that we do not care about one another? No peace.

On Wednesday, my credit card is charged with 'VIDEO GAMING'. My son thinks I am a bank, busboy, maid and sponsor for fun. No peace

On Thursday, My landlord takes my trash can with out telling me. I look everywhere for it. I bother the neighbors. He took it because he does not like my 55.00 garbage can. It is now being held hostage locked in the basement.  No peace

On Friday, an friend cancels lunch, after I made all her favorite stuff. I ate ALL of it. No peace

On Saturday, A trip cancels, fender bender and my son will not hang out with his mother.

On Sunday, I broke my toe again, pull my back out, get bitched out by a flight attendant for cleaning up her nasty f------ a/c (she is freelance as well)  and get stopped by DC cop for cell phone usage.

On monday, I start over. maybe some peace. I am going to up my cat population and get that green sweater.

I have not had much to write about lately. I accept a trip, it cancels. I get another one, i cannot take it because it overlaps on the one I have, then that cancels. I am holding a bad hand. I better keep my sunglasses on, someone may see my bluff. 

I am on a what was to be a 24 day trip. We were to go to london, which we did for 8 days, turned into 11, then on to nice, was to be 14, it is now 6, back home on the 6th of july. total days "laying about" a lot. We may leave for New York on the 6th or go back to London. 

It is Africa hot here in Nice. Waiting till the sun loses some strength to go for a shop and drop. The children in France are so breathtakingly beautiful, they look like ads for A and F or the gap. Their hair styles and clothing choices must start at birth. Their eyelashes are an inch long and they love their moms and dads. They hang on their every word. It is like parents KNOW STUFF, secret clues about the world, the planet, music, art and food. I like kids because they are innocent, real and not all up in their own villa about money, status, gossip and all the crap that floats thru an adult mind 24/7.

I want to go back to age 9. No puberty for me. Give me 9. The children in London are not bad either. I look at kids when I am away from ben. The kids in London, are fair skinned, and they have the coolest school uniforms. They are proper, plaid skirt or shorts, starched white shirt and a beanie. I am sure they are mortified, but it pleases me to know there is order in the world. I had to wear the same as a child. 

 

I think I have become jaded working on private jets. It is like i lost my soul, my childhood gone and I am really at the beck and call of the rich. I am always reminded of the Areosmith song. "eat the rich". Well, lets not let the rich eat us! Another day another 450.00, really? What is this going to bring me spiritually? Hello?

 

I feel like I am in a play or a TV series. Being freelance, I am the understudy, the fill in person, if someone gets sick, or wants time off or surgery. If my son asks me why I am not working, i sometimes say, " no medical problems this week. CHARACTER playing flight attendant sarah willis- fill in- played by Betsy Dwyer- a nobody from the wrong side of the tracks. 

 

 I am going to take August off. It is summer, I deserve summer too right? I need a vaca as well. I will be played by myself and there will be no fill ins or understudies on that. 

 

I spoke with daniel a few days ago. I needed guidance on what to write about this time, It had been a while. I am going to write from the heart this time, not hiding anything.

My parents taught me thru fear. They did not administer to soft spoken lessons that I give Ben. I try to teach him thru "love and logic".

When I discovered I was pregnant, I had to look back on how I was reared, and It was now, really funny. Then, it was not. 

The Irish Catholic God was accountable for pretty much everything, your thoughts, actions and deeds. I remember burying my hamster with a cross, holy water and a little casket, talking to this little dead furry body, saying "you must repent" this was to wash away "hammy's" wanderlust and sinful ways. I was convinced all freedom, fun and racy  thoughts about someone else’s body, was going to make me burn in hell like a million stars. I tried to picture hell at age 12. 

Of course it was all shades of red, fires everywhere, people running, moaning, screaming. All my teachers were there, because, in my mind, I sent them there a few times. Hitler was there, Machiavelli James Dean, Charles Milles Manson was going there, the woman down the street who beat her kids, she was there. The dog who bit me when I was 6 was there, and all the kids who called me skeleton in grade school, had a row of bus seat with their names on them in hell.  The guy who broke my heart when I was 13, he had a seat as well. The gossipy girls in my class were on their way there, and the creepy guy in the candy store was there. 

My parents told me that if I did not do as they asked, academically and in the house, that they would drop me off at the orphanage, "for a trade". Yes, i did believe this. I would want to know where the orphanage was, to sort of get a look see at my new digs.

I always wondered about the "birds and the bees". I still have not gotten that "talk". Ask your mother, ask your father. I was bounced around, back and forth, until the "fast girl ", debby told me. I almost threw up. I could never picture my own parents partaking in such savage liaisons. 

My parents also used the hell phrase on dating. My father would answer to door of the impending date, and interview him as if he was going to be performing brain surgery. Not many boys were fond of this torture. If I partook in any FUN, there would be a lightening bolt, going thru my head, that only my parents could see. I was going to start wearing a hat, so they could not see the bolt. This was counterproductive. 

I was also told if I frowned my face would freeze like that. If I was not married by age 23, I was to be an old maid. If I married outside of my religion, I should be banished to a life of incredible unhappiness. If I did not bring up my kids catholic, i would never be spoken to again. If I came home pregnant, I was just to pack my bags and leave, and never contact them again. Al these things involve leaving without wanting to leave. If I stole, my hands would fall off. If I complained about walking to school, my parents walked to school with no feet, in 3 foot snow drifts, with no coat, hat or gloves. Money does not grow on trees was another. There are people starving in china, was another. 

If you lie, your tongue will fall out or your nose will grow longer. If you get fat, no one will love you. If you do not have a job, people will think you are lazy. If you do not make the curfew, we will lock you out. 

So why am I so normal?

Aviation has wiped out all of my catholic guilt, I have made me normal, free spirited, and possess a devil may care attitude. It has saved me from a a frightful life. I am still catholic by the way, just not a small time girl type catholic.

So I keep getting theses yellow envelopes for peoples bank,multiple bile colored envelopes , total bounced check and returned check fees totaling 250.00. I asked the bank manager if I was going to be taken off to jail They do have lot of jails in ct. The women's jail is far worse than the mens. more bickering. probably no hormone  replacement, Xanax or tequila  there.

Being broke is sort of like a prison sentence. No freedom, no joy ,no national enquirer bought in the check out line. Now I read it and put it back. The cashier leers and says to herself, she must work for an aviation company. I used to love this aviation company, It was pristine, lovely and I was proud to be a part of its mechanisms. It will be great again too, but I cannot go back there. Too much history, like an old boyfriend, once hurt, I lie in wait for more disappointment.   It is never the same, i lay an broken woman. 

So back to talking about prison, if I did have to go. Would I have a roommate that I called Bitch? Would they pair me up with another flight attendant who wrote bad checks, or would I get a bank robber or a mass murderer? I would like the bank robber because, in this economy, i am going to need a new trade. Murder was thought of this week, but it is a messy occupation. Do they have a resume center there? Can I collect unemployment whilst living with my bitch? Can I get on Ameritrade? Do they have vegetarian fare? Church? Pilates? Coke machine? Quarters? Meditation classes? Only one phone call a day? Any thoughts?

Recently, I attended a new class offered by FlightSafety in Teterboro Airport - New Jersey as part of recurrent or initial. It was taught by Steve Bramberg and no joke, it was interesting this time. It is the cliff notes of traveling on the road. 

You do not need a weapon to protect yourself, you need a heightened awareness and the use of your hands and arms, and knowing how to disable your attacker. Something as simple as a pencil could be a weapon to deter an attacker. THE MAJOR POINTS ARE AVOID, DEFUSE, ESCAPE AND DEFEND. 

The company is called STAND TALL seminars, 516-801-0696, There are 6 vital areas to incapacitate anyone, now I have your interest! Take the class it is worth it. After the class I had a renewed sense of being able to defend myself.