Blog-TOWER OF BABEL

Ever felt like you forgot how to fly? I have not flown in over 1 month, due to moving, marriage and flu, in that order. I was called at 3 am to fly, during that 24 inch snow storm. I could not see my car in the driveway and my little hamlet of a town had not been plowed yet. So I could not do that one. Then I got called to do a 4 day over super bowl weekend, I was moving , the movers were already with me. So that was a no. Then I got a call for Feb 14-18, I was getting married on the 19th - I did not take it because it was too close to wedding date. I never missed my own wedding before. Talk about hot water, a lot of apology and disappointments. 

So now I have a trip leaving March 2- 10. I am at a loss. What did I do before that was so clockwork? My groove is gone, the timing is off, and my checklist of shopping has fallen a bit. Will they know? Probably not. But when you have been living in a house with regular doors, toilets, stoves and ovens, you get clumsy when on a corporate jet. You bang your knees and head a lot. I feel like Gulliver in a shrunken tube - a bull in a china shop. 

Will I fit and succeed? I will let you know. 

I am getting married. I am too old to be chased, too smart to be coy and can no longer act astonished and clueless. I have taken down phone numbers and business cards, they lay like dead bodies in a stack on my bedroom floor. I sometimes put my gum in them, scribble down notes on them, and watch the wind blow them all around my room. 

I ceased, too really care about strangers. I did not want anyone new to come into my life. I wanted stillness. I had my son, he was company enough and my united nation of friends, all colors, shapes, sizes and diverse quirks. I had my family on holidays, with the 22 lb. butterball turkey with all the trimmings, secret santa and the shot of baileys before midnight mass. I am good. Need no more.

New people sort of scare me. If they stare at me, I usually think I have something on my lip, and always wipe it away, then flee. I spent two years sort of single but not really. I was hoping my ex(sort of) would finally get it. I knew that I could not ever love anyone different. It was always Pete. I sit next to Pete and my blood pressure goes down 20 points. My spine does not ache, and I want a lil nap. This is good for me, because even though I am usually calm, my mind is going in 20 different directions. Blame this on being an aquarian, or lack of meds, this is how I roll. 

I guess what it all boils down to is this. Who would the person be who can survive me on a day to day basis? Who could sit in a room with you and not feel like you have to speak and make small talk? Who can understand that I sleep like a trucker after a 20 hour turn? Who can eat a TV dinner when I am not up to the usual meal? Who can not bitch at you for mismated socks? I am too old to be someone's girlfriend. I need a title and some paperwork. It is not always about sex, drugs and rock and roll. It is about mutual respect, the day to day grind and knowing when to leave the other person alone to their own devices.